25 Things About Me

This was a Facebook thing. I went through the effort to fill it out, so I'm going to get my money's worth and post it here, too.

1. #1 was dumb, so I got rid of it. Fact.

2. I wanted to be a teacher, but now I write at home in my pajamas about how to make costumes and paper jewelry. It's a sweet gig.

3. My first child is now 11, my second is 7. I am 28. Use your superior math skillz to figure out what high school was like for me.

4. When I delivered my second child, they botched the epidural and all of my spinal fluid shot out of my back like a sparkling fountain. I was turned at a weird angle, so I actually got to see it happen. Then I was screaming to the doctors that no, the spider bites on my back were NOT self-inflicted cigarette burns. Childbirth is a beautiful experience.

5. After said loss of spinal fluid, my body had to reproduce a whole new batch. So, they made me chug coffee right after giving birth to get things going, even though I was breastfeeding my daughter. Since the incident I am a different person and my daughter hasn't stopped talking for seven years. My addiction to coffee persists.

6. My mom dated MacGyver for a short time when she was in her 20's. She was also a fashion model. Guess that's not a fact about me.

7. I eat peanut butter by the jar, with a spoon, averaging two jars a month. I could live on potatoes and peanut butter. Some of that comes form being Irish/Scottish, I think.

8. I don't look like I've had kids and I don't mind telling you so. I was so cocky about this after I had my son that I got a big tribal tattoo on my belly, which still rocks, but it hurt so much that I didn't get it filled in, and probably never will. Here's to my bad-ass line art.

9. I am fixed, so no more kids for me, thanks. You're on your own with the whole human race thing, now.

10. I also have an incredibly fast metabolism. The downside of the metabolism is the other moms who would like to call me anorexic or bulimic. I think making fun of skinny people for being skinny is just as bad as making fun of fat people for being fat. Then I end up telling people about my fast metabolism to combat anorexia rumors and then I'm pegged a bitch for saying I can eat anything without consequences. Can't win.

11. Before I eat a Reese's Cup it has to be broken in half and sat out on the counter for 20 minutes. There are little worms in these sometimes that are the same color as the peanut butter and you have to wait to see if they start to ooze out Play-Doh factory style. I would rather eat their unhatched eggs than the full-grown adults.

12. I think Mae West is the best, but she'd never make it in today's Hollywood. I have a friend that reminds me of Mae West because she is blond and has a round face, rolls her eyes and says clever things. She never tells me to 'come up and see her sometime', though. Not in those exact words, anyway. Wait, maybe she did once.

13. Most Disney Movies make me get choked up at certain points like I'm overwhelmed with the cheesy magic of it all. I want to be a kid again so bad that it hurts sometimes.

14. Later I will deny #13.

15. I love to wear wigs and I think more peoples should wear them to the bank and the gas station. And capes. And men should wear more nice hats and monocles like they used to. Women should carry parasols in the summer so I don't feel left out.

16. I think Bill Murray is awesome. That's a fact. One time my fiance told me that John Goodman was dead and I got more angry and upset than I thought I would. John Goodman is pretty awesome, too. He's not dead, either.

17. When I get in the sun my skin peels back like a Jiffy-Pop bag and you can see my bones. When my hair bursts into flames, that's when I'm done.

18. My grandpa has the most hand-to-hand combat kills in the Korean war out of any soldier sent from the state of Virginia. He also paints beautiful landscapes, trains squirrels to do tricks and can fix anything in the world. I guess this isn't a fact about me.

19. My dad was in Vietnam. He wasn't drafted, but went because the advertisements said it wasn't just a job, it was an ADVENTURE! Plus his dad came back a calm ninja bad-ass, so I think he was hoping to learn some of that. This is not a fact about me.

20. I have megalophobia, which my kids love to make fun of me for. I'm irrationally scared of large inanimate objects that look like they could move. Buildings don't affect me, but cruise ships, airplanes, blimps, dinosaur skeletons and large statues do. The scariest thing in the world is indoor roller coasters ala Space Mountain, and Flight of Fear at Kings Island. I'm no longer too afraid of the Epcot ball from the outside, but there is that part that they don't tell you about while riding Spaceship Earth where you get to the inside-top of the ball. Fuckers.

21. I grew up thinking that George, Paul, John and Ringo were some of the best dudes in the world. They are so good for kids that I went on a local radio show to try to convince people of it and promote Kidz Jam.

22. I founded a non-profit organization, Kidz Jam, in 2003 that keeps kids safe and happy at music festivals. This is in part because I found a 5 year old kid running around barefoot in the parking lot at a Phish show at night with a blanket tied around his neck. He was pretending to be Superman and wouldn't talk to me until I told him that I was Wonder Woman. Three hours later we found his worthless mom selling veggie burritos, stoned out of her mind. What did she say to me? "Oh, maannnnn, I totally told him to stay right here." Then she turned away to sell more burritos.

23. I named my son after Trent Reznor. His dad named him after Kurt Cobain. He has two middle names. Did I mention we were teenagers? My daughter is named after a psychic six-fingered woman in an Anne Rice book and a famous Shakespeare character. I am no longer allowed to name things.

24. Some people say I'm funny, but I think people are only funny to make up for other insecurities.

25. I used to be REALLY afraid of clowns until I met people who were professional clowns. They are actually really talented and good people. I try to practice clowning, too, but I'm not a professional. Now I'm just scared of circus clowns. They are a whole different breed of clown, I think.




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