Why the Miley Cyrus VMA Performance was AWESOME

Forget Syria, everyone is up-in-arms today about Miley Cyrus' performance last night at the MTV Video Music Awards. Miley's VMA performance has been described as 'disturbing', 'shocking' and 'sickening'. 

Every woman knows this is a funny face, not a sexy face. Including Miley.

Listen. If this is the most disturbing thing you've seen come out of television, much less MTV, then you just haven't been paying attention. I am formally accusing the internet of a hate fad. Just like when we all decided to hate Anne Hathaway for a week, social media has come down with seething, slobbering palpitations to destroy a single human: Miley Cyrus.

I think what Miley did was HILARIOUS, just like she intended it to be. You don't bring out a guy in a Beetlejuice costume without trying to be funny. Think about it, people. You're taking this shit way too seriously. Look at that tongue. Every girl on Earth knows you don't do that to be sexy. Performers, especially, know what makes them look hot and what makes them look like a whack-a-doo. Miley is channeling insanity, here. She's making fun of sexy. Come around the corner, straddle the door frame and make this crazy-ass face at a loved one. Yeah. It's not supposed to be hot.

No, it was TOO SEXY!
Sexy is dynamic. If what Miley did was the most sexually debasing thing of the evening, then you really didn't see much of the awards. Here are just a couple of examples that no one is crapping themselves about in the aftermath.

Lady Gaga had her butt out for an hour. No cheek coverage at all. That butt was naked. That was. A naked butt. Meanwhile, on the MTV 'All Access' cameras online, viewers were treated to close-ups of said jiggling buttocks whenever Gaga stood up to schmooze with a passer-by.  There was squealing, leaping and suckling from a sippy cup going on in the front row, yet no one questions the Gaga.

This wasn't for a second. This was an hour of my viewing time on the MTV 'All Access' cameras that were pointed at the audience. In contrast, Miley wore a ridiculous bear thing and then a nudey-colored two-piece that covers more than my swimsuit. It was a very unforgiving fabric, which has lead to this unfortunate screen shot.

Wow. That really is unfortunate. Chicken butt stands undisputed, but I propose that this adds to the fun and hilarity of the performance. When you can catch every second of life in an instant, butt jiggling almost never comes out looking good.

No, it was TOO SEXY! Part Two- Bruno Mars came out and sung a song about violent sex. Flat-out doin' it song. No bones about it. Except the one in the song. Pretty graphic, too. Here are the lyrics, none of which were censored:

"Yeah I got a fistful of your hair
But you dont look like you're scared
You're just smiling tell me daddy it's yours
Cause you know how I like it you's a dirty little lover
If the neighbors call the cops, call the sheriff, call the SWAT we don't stop, we keep rocking while they knocking on our door."

Where is the outrage here? I'm not outraged, I love it. It's hot and included an exploding Gorilla. But comparable to Miley's goofy song-and-dance, this is much sexier, much more over the prude line. Everyone loves lil' Bruno though. I mean, with cheekbones like that... Yet the HuffPo headline for Bruno read like so: Bruno Mars' VMA Performance Of 'Gorilla' Filled With Flames, Horn Section And Bold Vocals. Yeah, no mention of the 'daddy it's yours' line.

Miley's Foam Finger - All I can say is that if my friends and I found ourselves in a room with a foam finger, eventually someone would start pretending it was a peen. Then they would start dancing around the room with it. It happens, and I think a lot of people have constructed some pretty high horses on this issue. This is hilarious and fun. I'd do it in a second and so would you, don't deny it.

This is classic comedy gold. Someone you love has done this in a public forum.

She is a woman thrusting a foam peen at her fans and they're all laughing and yelling, having a good time. If you really think this is obscene, then clearly you've never been to middle school, had siblings, or even found a stick in your backyard. Get over it.

Crotch Grabbing - Really? This is still risque? MJ did it in the 80's, but somehow it's not okay for a grown woman to do it today. But since when did the internet recognize equality?

This is an old move. Get over it.

The Twerk - It wasn't in slow motion, it didn't even face the camera. Was it a close-up? No. (refer to Lady Gaga for close-up butt shots at the VMAs) I'm not even sure there was much ass-to-crotch contact with Robin Thicke Beetlejuice. At some point during the course of any given evening with my buddies, YES, even at the ripe old age of 20 years old, someone wiggled their butt. I've seen more of my friend's butts than I'd like to admit, and we all laughed, had fun, and no one was scandalized.

See that face? Girls don't make that face to be sexy. They don't wear ugly foam hands to be hot.  Miley thinks this is funny, and I was laughing, too.

The Molly - Bleeped from earshot, the famous 'Miley' turned 'Molly' lyric was absent from the show. Kanye West had this lyric bleeped too on the same night during his performance of 'Yeezus'. Nope, he's not the bad guy of the day, somehow, even after a night of sharing the same building as Taylor Swift.

Let me tell you youngin's a story. When I was younger, a man named Tom Petty sung a little ditty called 'Last Dance with Mary Jane', in which 'joint' was weirdly turned into something like 'noij' on radio play. Everyone survived.

The 'Pedo bears' - They were teddy bears. Big, ridiculous teddy bears. They're only pedo bears if you're being a pedo about this. These were a reference to some of the weirdness in the 'We Can't Stop' video. Again, you're going to need to refer to Bruno Mars for the 'daddy it's yours' bit. If you want sexy, watch the We Can't Stop video. That is legitimately sexy, though it's still playful and just weird.

The Crowd Reactions - Those photos of reactions you've been seeing? Yeah, most of those aren't about Miley.

This reaction from the Will Smith family was for Lady Gaga, not Miley. Notice the live cam in the corner? Doesn't look like Miley to me, and didn't when I watched live, either.

Note the Gaga in the corner. Not Miley. 

I can't believe how many news outlets are getting that one wrong. Guys, it's right there in the corner. Not a lot of Nancy Drew action needed on this one.

What about Taylor Swift,the queen of crowd reactions? Well, this video showed up on Youtube while the VMAs were still on. Taylor is dancing. She's enjoying herself just like everyone else in the crowd.

So, what is the media raving about? Brook Shields had this to say on the Today show, "I want to know who's advising her and why it's necessary," Shields went on. "It's a bit desperate." Really, Brooke? Miley is 20 years old. When you were 15, you shoved your crotch in a camera for a few bucks, so pipe down.

What bothers me about the whole thing is how contrived the hate campaign seems to be. Her outfit,lyrics and even the moves weren't that crazy. The crowd reactions that are being reported on are false. Miley was far from the sexiest thing that happened that night, yet everyone is all-too-ready to accept her as their weekly internet punching bag.

I friggin' love Miley Cyrus. She isn't a pill-poppin, boozing, baby mama. She hasn't shaved her head or run over anyone in a Bently. She's never flashed her crotch while exiting a car. How exactly is she so bad? I can understand if you don't like her singing. Or if you don't think she has the moves. But that's not what people are talking about this morning.

I thought what she did was funny and fun. The fact that Beetlejuice came out and sang that song I'm into right now was just the kicker. Good job, Miley! I'm proud of you because that was crazy and everyone pooped their pants about it.

Here is the full performance. Looks like a goofy kid having a laugh to me. The funniest part is that she knew it was crazy, and that we couldn't handle it. Oh, and she's still laughing:

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